[I posted this a few days ago and my friend Christina suggested I send it to McSweeney's, so I did, and they rejected it this morning, so I figured I'd put it back up here.]
Dear Sofia Coppola,
Why did you use that music? Seriously. What in the world were you thinking? Aphex Twin, New Order, and Bow Wow Wow? In a film set in the late 1700s? How could you possibly rationalize that decision? And to think, Lance Acord did such a great job with the lighting, the Production Design killed, the Art Director, the costume and makeup were all so brilliant. I'm sorry for being blunt, but in my opinion that music immensely diminished the quality of your film.
And while we're on the topic of what didn't work: why on earth were the actors speaking English? Did I miss something? Was Marie Antoinette British? No, she couldn't have been British because Kirsten Dunst sounded like a Valley girl. Was Marie Antoinette from the Valley? I thought she was Austrian. Wait, wasn't she the Queen of France? Don't they speak French in France?
Look, I still respect your work. After all, you gave us Lost in Translation. 'Nuff said. But then, you also gave us The Virgin Suicides, which was, to be kind, less than a masterpiece. So for me, your record is 1 win 2 loses, which is about as good as my Lakers this season.